A heart to heart about pain free birth.

Let’s talk about “pain free birth”.

Now this is sometimes a touchy subject.

And I know what I’m about to say may be controversial among birth workers & among birthing women!

But in my opinion, sometimes the emphasis on feeling no pain, sets women up for failure.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are some cases where women report having experienced “pain free” birth. And I’m absolutely not discrediting them, or saying it’s not true. I am not them, so I didn’t feel the sensations they felt.

But I do think that the emphasis on “pain free birth” that’s common in some courses/books etc can be unhelpful & unrealistic.

I am a massive believer in aiming for as much comfort as possible in birth. And there are many ways of making that happen! We know, just as one example, that really protecting your peace while in labor, staying calm, staying confident, and relaxing into the sensations instead of resisting them are some big parts of decreasing pain.

And there are specific ways to do that so it’s practical & actionable, and effective, as opposed to just some concepts in your brain.

But what if you’ve done all of that, and it really, really hurt?

Does that mean you failed?

Because I have had countless women tell me they felt disappointed in themselves because they “couldn’t achieve the pain-free birth they worked for”.

…girl.

I’ve given birth a few times now, and I’ve seen other women give birth more than a few times now.

And let me tell you.

Birth is intense.

It gets primal.

It gets loud.

It gets messy.

It gets emotional.

It is the hardest things a woman can do.

And it is okay if you were completely blindsided by how intense it really is.

I am absolutely not saying that birth can’t be enjoyable. Because it can.

I’m not saying it can’t be the best day of your life. Because it can.

I’m not saying birth can’t be an incredible, euphoric experience! Hello, I’m a doula! If anyone is an advocate for birth being positive, & wonderful, it’s me. But I’m getting sick of this pain-free birth narrative. Because it can be damaging.

When it’s emphasised to the point where women aren’t proud of themselves afterwards, when women can’t celebrate or acknowledge the sheer perseverance, strength & grit that they showed during their births - and feel they “failed” because it physically hurt, there’s a problem.

You should never be made to feel like a failure because of how your birth felt. It breaks my heart that this is the case.

No person,

no course,

no book,

no doula (not even me, ha!),

nothing can guarantee a pain free birth.

And pain free birth is not the measuring stick for whether or not you succeeded. There’s no measuring stick for success! Birthing intervention free doesn’t mean you succeeded. Birthing quietly doesn’t mean you succeeded. Do you know what does make your birth successful? The baby coming out. That’s it. That’s success. And in all honesty - the notion of “success” doesn’t belong in the birth space away.

It doesn’t matter “how” you did it.

There’s no such thing as oh I wasn’t “good enough”, “brave enough”, “strong enough”.

Are you kidding!

Did the baby come out?! Oh it did?

WELL THEN YOU DID AMAZING!

No matter how you gave birth!

A c-section isn’t failure, an epidural isn’t failure.

Those things do not mean your experience of birth is any less valid. Make no mistake — there is no such thing as an “easy way out” of birth.

If that baby came out your body - that is a triumph!

Now again, I am a doula for goodness sake, I’m not saying we should just accept that it’s going to be this hell-ish experience. Working with women to prepare for the best, most peaceful, positive, fulfilling and wonderful birth they can imagine is my bread and butter. So I am not saying we shouldn’t shoot for the absolute stars & push for the birth of our dreams! We absolutely should.

What I am saying, is let’s take the pressure off.

Take it off.

It doesn’t help you.

That kind of pressure doesn’t cultivate an environment where you can have the birth of your dreams.

What does cultivate that, is getting informed.Getting well-supported.Coming to a place of feeling confident in yourself. And doing a whole lot of reflection on your ideologies around birth. Re-framing unhelpful and untrue beliefs you may hold about yourself & what you’re capable of. Re-framing your beliefs on what success or failure means to you & how that translates to birth. That is how you have the birth of your dreams. And a doula can help with all of things, might I say!

And do those things massively help it to feel less painful?

Yeah. They really do.

But pain free birth is not the goal.

Empowering, peaceful, birth is the goal.

And if it felt physically painful, you didn’t fail. You conquered something really hard - and you can be proud of yourself for that.

I’m sure as heck proud of you.

Until next time,

Angie

your Guardian Doula. x